Triggered, but my soul reminded me, I am Queen. “I am the soul’s poet.”

This is why I am the souls’ poet. I thought my computer was broken because I dropped it on the floor and it was giving me an error message to call Dell. I started freaking out because I was already stressing about having so much to do but still having a lot of pain. I began to cry and want to go home to St. Louis. I questioned myself about why I am here in Phoenix.
Pain is my biggest trigger. Pain leaves me feeling defeated. It makes me want to fight. That is what I am, at my core I am a fighter.
Maybe the Universe wants me to allow and surrender instead of fighting.
I have found ways to manage my pain and thought the days of tears from pain were over.  I would say however, that about 80% of my chronic pain is gone due to lifestyle changes I have made that included therapy, quitting smoking 7 years ago, losing weight, moving to a warmer climate and becoming more active.
I have been able to function without any pain medication for months but the training for my work at home job left me depleted and after going home to bury my mother in September my pain has increased.  I have been slowly getting back to myself.  Maybe I just need to be still for a while.
I am going to go see a pain specialist for the remaining pain in my neck, shoulder, upper back, my arm, hand, wrist and fingers. This doctor does not automatically write a prescription but treats the specific area first before prescribing a pill. Chronic pain wears on you like an obnoxious noise that becomes too much to bear, leaving you with a feeling of needing to escape. This feeling of needing to flee is the trigger.
Thank God for therapy and I know that “This is now and not then.” I guess I will always have to deal with triggers but now after therapy I have knowledge and I have tools to get back to feeling safe again.
 
To say I was feeling like giving up is putting it mildly, I felt devastated. I was worrying about how I was going to get my business up and running. All I think about lately is GirlGetYouSomeHelp.com. Now that I have a launch date I feel the pressure of being productive everyday.
 
I sat down and prayed, turned on the computer and it was working properly.
My soul reminded me of who I be. These words came out of me like water. I promise you that my soul wrote this to let me know just how powerful I am. I don’t have to stress or freak out because something feels a certain way. I am not my feelings. God is still in control.

Shine
I have been made in the fire,
laid out in the sun to become ashes
that fall upon my body and burn away the pain,
I know if I make through this,
after what I already made it through
a 100 facet diamond will have nothing on my glow,
my shine so bright that all night flees in the wake of me,
the powerful one able to look at the sun,
the one that gives life from the womb,
the one who holds up the moon and shoots stars around mars and can be the diamond that all diamonds aspire to be,
you cant see me because I be in your soul,
want to find me,
you want to be a kind like me,
but you will never be
because it is only your own shine
that will nurture you soul and make you whole.

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

11.15.17

Going to hell changed my life (dedicated to Alfreda Lanoix)

Below is a journal entry of mine from August 2010.  I thought my life was over and I felt good for nothing.  I have Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis.  I was grieving the loss of my former active self.

In March of this year I purchased a book titled “Go to Hell  by Alfreda Lanoix.  This book changed my life.  I know people throw those words around a lot but this is my truth.  Reading her book gave me courage to stand up and try again.  I can not really explain it except to say I was a ready student and the teacher showed up.

I found beauty in me.  I saw God in me.  I knew love in me.

I felt if she could start over so could I.

I said to myself “if her story can help me, then my story can help some body”  The rest is mystory.  I found my voice and have not shut up since.  I love you Alfreda.

I dedicate the rest of my life to telling my stories in hope that a life will be transformed.

written in August 2010

Suffering in silence. not seen nor heard

I’ve become cynical and jaded about the medical community. I am tired of being treated like I am crazy or a drug addict seeking drugs. My pain is real, damn it. If I am depressed it is because I am tired of hoping every day that this day will be better than yesterday, it is getting hard to hold on to hope.

Some might say it could be worse. Well my answer to that is the only thing worse would be death. I am tired of hurting but more than that I am tired of not being heard. I am Tired of not being seen. I really do not know how much more of this I can take. I am not lazy. I am not faking. Who would choose this?

I am a mother of twins and triplets. I’ve worked two jobs many times in my life. I was always on the go. While my children were little I went to college full-time and maintained a 3.5 GPA. All while teaching Sunday school, singing in the Choir, serving on the Usher board and the Nurse’s board at church. I was also taking care of my ailing grandmother. I was a wife, mother, student and servant in my community as well as at church. I went out of my way to help those more disadvantaged than myself.

I was active at my children’s school serving as P.T.A. President and was Coordinator and Liaison for Practical Parenting Partnership. I was responsible for establishing the Free Breakfast program in our school district and getting Drug Free School Zone signs installed in our neighborhoods.

Now I feel like a lazy bum although, that is not true of me. That is how I feel when I spend my days in bed crying in pain.

I am able to do less and less. I spend more time in bed than I do out and it is starting to drive me crazy. If I try to push myself to do more it only causes more pain. I live in fear of pain. I am always anxious about what I have done or might do to cause more pain.
It is so bad that I do not take my pain seriously. If I am hurting anywhere on my body, I just chalk it up to that is just the way it is. That has cost me dearly. I almost died because I did not listen to the pain. And the medical community is horrible. I have to change my doctor of twelve years because I to wait up to three months to see her or see the nurse practitioner. I don’t want to see the nurse practitioner.  She is not a doctor nor is she my doctor.

While waiting to see my doctor about the pain in my side my appendix almost burst. At the hospital they treated me like a crazy, drug seeking addict and sent me home without relieving my pain saying I was constipated although I was vomiting violently, so much that bile was coming up from my liver. They made me feel like being constipated was my fault when (that is a symptom of appendicitis).

I have so many medical conditions to manage that I have become overwhelmed. I am really at the point of giving up. With no one to talk to about this, because everyone is tired of hearing it, I have no outlet. Truth be told, I am tired of hearing it too.

I feel old, boring and a bother. Maybe it is my fault. I try not to whine. I try to act like everything is okay but I am not okay. I am suffering, alone in silence.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES

I feel younger, more interesting and well worth your time.