This Sh** Aint Easy

Reality is kicking my a**.  I just realized there are a few people I have not consciously forgiven.  This journey to self-love has proven much more laborious than I thought.  I was watching “Behind the Music” – Mary J Blige,  and she said something so profound.

I LOVE Mary, watching her growth has been inspirational.  I have always felt a deep connection to her as a person and her music has been balm for my healing. Until this week I was not aware of her abuse at five, but now I understand my ability to relate to whatever she expressed.

She said “I am living proof that you can come from anywhere and have gone through anything and still make it.”  She talked about the man who raped her when she was five years old and how she had forgiven him.

All of a sudden a light bulb came on in my mind.  I have not consciously forgiven the man who raped me when I was five years old.

In my heart and mind I tried but I could not do it.  I want to so badly, but I am stuck.  So, I sit here asking myself,   “Is my ability to forgive in direct proportion to my self worth?”  Dam this sh** is getting hard.

I find it impossible to speak the words and thinking them is just not going to happen now.  I have spent a lot of time in and out of therapy thinking and talking about the effects of my abuse.  Looking at how that crap manifested in my behavior and thinking has been challenging.  Changing my thoughts and behavior has been grueling and I still have a long way to go.

Once I got past all the anger I could forgive my mother and grandmother and anyone else I felt had victimized me because what happened made sense.  I could relate to their behaviors and I understood therefore, it was easy to have compassion.

I have been trying so hard to finish my book.  It seems the more I want it completed the more resistance I get from the universe.  I am working to be in a space of non-resistance.  The reality is I will not get there without this most important piece of the puzzle.  Forgiveness, I am working on it y’all and I will keep you posted.

Again Mary J. Blige is my inspiration.  I love you Mary.