I feel closer to my mother than I ever have. She exists in the very fiber of my being.
It is time to tell the truth. As a man, a father and a husband you failed all of us. As your wife you mistreated me, devalued me and abused me physically, financially and psychologically. As your wife I laid down my life and entire body for your pleasure and happiness. I literally gave you my soul trying to get you to give me what I rightfully deserved because I was your wife. the minute you realized that I was waking up to your mistreatment you went into over drive to destroy me.
You vowed to honor, cherish and protect me and you did none of these things.
During my time living with you I was made to feel dispensable. I gave you children by actually abusing my body with injections from hormones and going under the knife of three surgeries. I poured everything of me into you, the children, the home and the community. When I became aware of your abuse and started down the path to healing you refused to do what was needed to save our family.
But I get all the blame and you get all the glory.
When my children put you on a pedestal I am continually traumatized because I want to scream to the top of my voice that this man did everything within his power to destroy and cast me aside as if I was of no value.
Mr. man the father of my children your children should know what you have deliberately done to their mother.
On mother’s day I don’t get cards or presents declaring their love for me at least not until recently that one of our sons took me to lunch and the other promised dinner that I have yet to receive.
You did not teach them to honor me but I taught them to honor you. Those Father’s day cards they gave you growing up were bought with my money when I took them to the store and told them to buy.
It is time to finally tell my truth about you. During our marriage you were despicable in your behavior towards me. I did not deserve what you did to me. You called me a stupid bitch even before we were married and you treated me like a stupid bitch the entire marriage. You need to take ownership for the way you treated the woman that risked her live to give you children.
I was a great wife and mother and yes I said great. I was the reason your children were healthy, smart and protected. I kept your house clean, I cooked from scratch three hot meals everyday. All you had to do was go to work and come home.
I did all that I could to make you happy but you still mistreated me. On mothers day you would not even tell me happy mothers day and that still hurts to this day. My needs were never a priority. I gave you my blood and you threw it back in my face. My oldest child would say to me “Mama why do you bend over backwards to please him when he treats you like shit?” That is when I knew I had to leave you. I did not want her to think that this is how relationships should be. My youngest child stood in front of us both and asked you, “Daddy why do you talk to mama like you talk to us?” in other words a five year old child could see that your treatment of me was abusive. I was not treated as an equal partner with value. You treated me as if I was in the way. I asked you for a divorce and you told me no because you were waiting until the children were 18 and then you were going to divorce me.
I need the truth to be told about your character as a man. I begged you to go to counseling or to a minister so we could talk about saving our marriage, our family but you adamantly refused. I told you I was unhappy and you told me that was not your problem. You always had this tremendous animosity towards me as if I had somehow single-handedly destroyed your life. You did not own your shity ways. You set it up so that you got all the credit and I all the blame.
You plotted against me with your lawyer to destroy me “the mother of your children”. I deserved honor. I deserved respect. I needed protecting but you cast me away like old shoes that had become uncomfortable and unsightly.
During the marriage I admit that some of my behavior was confusing but I needed help not judgment and criticism. I remember lying in bed trying to explain to you that I was having flash backs and memories of my childhood sexual abuse. Your response was I don’t want to hear that I am not your therapist. I could fill a book with the disrespecting and demeaning comments you made to me.
I know now that because of the many traumas I suffered in my life I have PTSD and I was being constantly triggered by your abusive behavior and that resulted in my chronic suicidal depression. I needed help.
Even after all I sacrificed for you, all that I gave to you I was the enemy.
Because you could not control me for your purposes I became something you needed to get rid of as soon as you had used me for your agenda.
You promised to honor me, to cherish me and to protect me until death separated us. I did everything within my power to stay with you until I realized that you had no concern for my well being. You just wanted me gone and were not willing to compromise or work on the marriage.
YOU FAILED ALL OF US. If being the head is what you wanted you failed your family miserably. You took my children and then didn’t do right by them. You worked second shift everyday. They spent weekends with me. You would not answer your phone during the day. While the children were at school you were unavailable. I was the parent the school called. I was the parent that attended the open houses and Parent/Teacher meetings.
You may have provided a roof over their heads but you did not really put any time in raising them and teaching the values they needed to be better off than their parents.
You told them lies to manipulate them and trick them out of opportunities that I worked hard to provide for them. I moved into one of the top school districts in the country. They fall number 30 in the entire country. They were enrolled, had their classes and id’s and would not let them attend. I had deliberately worked hard to get a home big enough for them to live with me during the week and stay with you on the weekends. I told you I did not want any money. My husband and I at the time did not need your money. You lied on me to them so they would not go to school from my house. You essentially robbed them of a brighter future.
Your only concern has been how much money would come out of your pocket not your children’s well being. You made it appear that I left you and the kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. You and your lawyer plotted and manipulated me out of the house. You threatened to quit your job, leave town and burn the house down before you would give me your house or your children. You were calling my phone and playing the funeral march to scare me out of the house.
The judge ordered you to pay all the bills in the house where your children and I lived so that I could save my money to move out. You stopped paying and things started to get cut off. He told you to co-sign for me to get an apartment because of being a stay at home mom and not having any rental history. You refused to obey and that resulted in me living next door to a crack house. You did not protect the mother of your children.
You made sure I felt like a stupid bitch.
So yeah, should you be honored? Were you really a good father? Hell NO.
I am done with protecting the children from the truth of who their father is. I have talked positively about you always but you did not deserve it. The truth is you abused their mother. You did not protect their mother. You never honored what their mother did so that you or them could be happy.
You victimized their mother, forced her out to fend for herself. You vilified their mother to them. To the world you wanted it to appear that I was the problem, when the whole time behind closed doors you were a complete and utter asshole.
You frequently told me that if I did not like the ways things were that I should leave and you could do it by yourself. Stupid man that you are you thought you were gaining the upper hand when all along you were just still continuing the abuse of their mother.
I don’t ever remember you taking the children to store or getting a box of crayons to make a card for their mother on mother’s day but I still made sure they honored you. Not because you deserved it but because I wanted to teach them how to treat people.
You are the stupid one for throwing their mother away. You are the stupid one for not being grateful to a woman that gave you children and grandchildren.
Yes I had mental illness. But that makes you look even worse. You refused to refinance the car so I could afford it and when it got repossessed you went after me.
How did I become the enemy? I gave you everything you wanted at the risk of my own life but you could see me out in the street? You did not give a fuck about a woman that gave you everything. Those grandchildren you dote over are because I gave you children.
I tried and I begged you to try to keep our family together.
I will not be saying positive things about your anymore. I am not being malicious. I am just telling the truth about who you are.
You are an ungrateful, misogynistic, abusive human being. You are selfish. You are and was arrogant to think you could do it all by yourself. But I have one question. Who is the mother of your children? Did you do right by her? Did you value her contribution to the family? Did you show your children in word and deed how to treat their mother?
“Bring me to my knees” was written because my mother did not call me on my birthday. I will not try nor do I feel the need to justify my feelings about this but I have gained a lot of insight and I want to share. If you have followed the blog you already know my history of neglect and childhood sexual trauma.
As a child living with my grand mother every birthday the only thing I really wanted was acknowledgement by my mother. A phone call would have sufficed or a card would have been even better, but no calls or cards ever came.
I don’t have the words to explain how unimportant I felt. It did not matter what party I had or gifts I had received, no call from her said I did not matter to any body especially my mother. In therapy I learned to ask for what I wanted so I explained to my mother in my mid thirties how her behavior made me feel. She started from then on at least calling me on my birthday.
This year that I turned Fifty was a big deal for me because I have survived and thrived. There was a lot of discussion about what I was going to do for the big 50 born day and for many reasons I just wanted to be away from home. The main reason being I did not want to spend any energy pretending every thing is okay with our family.
I was concerned that maybe something was seriously wrong with her because I had come to expect the call. When I called to ask about her well-being she told me she did not forget. She just did not call.
I hung up the phone and started to cry. I was the little bare footed five-year old all alone in a dark roach infested apartment by herself with no food crying for her mother. PTSD is horrific.
This time though I was different. I loved my self enough to validate my own feelings. It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel bad about this I told myself, but it is not okay to wallow in it. So I decided to talk about how I felt honestly with a couple of friends that I knew would just listen so I could process the feelings.
In the past I would have went straight into a deep depression feeling sorry for myself. I used to be the queen of pity parties but I have grown. I know not to take her behavior personally it is not now, nor has it ever been about me. But that does not change the fact that it hurts.
I love my mother. I want to facilitate her healing but she lacks the courage to face her demons. So, now I find myself on my knees praying for my mother instead of praying for my self. I pray for our healing.
I am continually striving to learn how to give more love.