Category: Uncategorized

Is Pain really Fear leaving your body?

 

  • fear

    you have no power over me.

    you’ve held me captive much too long

    you were my master and i your slave

    you even tried to take me to my grave

    the scales have fallen off my eyes

    perfect love found me

    now i know you are just a wanna be

    in the presence of love you flee

    i have power over you

    love has destroyed every yoke

    victory is mine i am free

    i have power over fear

     

  • My first reaction was to say there is no way I am that damn afraid. But when I think about all that I have accomplished since I decided to not let pain win I have to stop and see if there might be some truth in that.
    I realized I was going to hurt whether I lay in bed, cry and continue on with the vicious cycle of depression because I have pain 24/7 or I could get out of bed and keep moving.
    People around me try to get me to be still and say I am doing too much, but they don’t understand that when I be still I am focused on the pain but movement allows me to transcend the pain. It never goes away. I just have days that are better than others.

    There may be some truth to pain is fear leaving. All of 2012 I have been in therapy dealing with the fear of PAIN. I was living with the fear of psychological and physical pain. My quality of life was affected because I feared doing anything that would result in me being in unbearable pain.

    I was afraid to allow the memories and flashbacks to surface because I thought I could not endure the overwhelming feelings of shame and heartbreak. Along with the memories my body would hurt in direct proportion to area of my body that was being harmed in my memory. I actually felt a release of painful energy. I felt lighter more free, less afraid.

    I know beyond a shadow of doubt that one of the biggest reasons I have Fibromyalgia is because my flight or fight response is stuck to ON. That means I have been living in a state of tension/terror all my life and this has caused me to tense all my muscles and now I am telling my muscles to relax and that is not my natural state. I do not know how to relax. Therein lies my problem. Even my brain has been wired abnormally but that is being changed every time I get out of bed and “Keep it Moving”

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Acceptance

I really am tired of crying about this shit.  I want to and I need to move forward.  I have said I will let it go but it will always be a part of me.  I cant let go, letting go implies it is no longer a part of my story.  This is my story and I will tell it as “my” truth.  

The journey of this book has been a whole lot more than a few poems on numbered pages.  This book is my life.  The tracks of tears are written on my heart and my blood beats every word as I plead for healing.  Each letter a desire to be free from the past.  I have stopped running, and hiding behind lovers.  No more denial cloaked with distractions.

I am more than a survivor and I am not my pain.  I am fortunate enough to tell a story of triumph.  I am here.  I am love.  I am me.

Mother’s

Barren Hearts, Fruitful Wombs

sing for the mothers
cry for the mothers
moan for the mothers
with barren hearts and fruitful wombs

spirits broken
leaky souls drained of love
wail their moans
weep for their wounds
who understands their woe
the liquor they swallow
is to dull the pain
their world is a dungeon
filled with heroin or crack cocaine
coursing through their veins

they use to silence terrorist demons
that torment their souls
who will really see
that the men creeping in and out
of their bedroom doors
are only a band-aid for heart aching sores
don’t call them whores or junkies
they’re only a product of this country

striped of ancestral wisdom
culture snatched
when our foremothers were brought
to these so called united shores
they united in striping us
of our dignity, language and families
it’s time to restore
it’s time to look these mothers in the eyes
look at the reality of why they cry

sing for the mothers
cry for the mothers
moan for the mothers
barren hearts fruitful womb

accept them as they are
show them you care
everyone has a reason
why they are what they are
some are only scarred
unable to cope so they take dope
they have no faith
in these so-called united states
they only do what they’ve seen
of course they lie
this country was founded on a lie
they spew out slander, trick and connive
it the only way they know to survive

her foremothers were slaves
and she still has a slave’s mentality
she sacrifices her children for a dollar
or any man giving her a holla
we were brought here
robbed of our heritage
they threw us their garbage
and some of us sucked it up
happily grateful for some sup
it’s time to throw that shit back
let us educate our own

sing for the mothers
cry for the mothers
moan for the mothers
barren hearts fruitful womb

yeah she’s a dirty disease infested
skinny drug addicted alcoholic
wearing a dress of death and gloom
she may have lied, cheated, deserted
and aborted the fruit of her womb
we can still take her in our arms
lovingly accept and educate her
show her she is a descendant of queens
mother to the pharaohs of Egypt

maybe then we’ll see mothers
with fruitful wombs and loving hearts
giving birth to a proud nation
that nurtures their sisters and brothers
maybe then there won’t be
any more killing of ourselves
or our babies dying in the streets
shot down by faces
that look like you and me
who is willing to go
into the spiritual birthing room and labor

sing a song for the mothers
cry for the mothers
moan for the mothers
who are not yet free
in these so-called united states

Surgery for the Psyche

Recovering or healing from trauma is like surgery for the mind. When you are diagnosed with a condition that requires surgery usually, there will be preliminary courses of treatment. Your doctor might suggest a medication and if that does not work the doctor may suggest a course in physical therapy and the last resort is surgery to either remove or repair what is causing the problem.

Even before the diagnosis, there will be a period where you have symptoms that make you take a visit to the doctor’s office. There will be a consultation, some tests are run, and you may even be referred to a specialist who will run even more tests or get a tertiary opinion.

When the surgery is performed, they do not just cut you open. There will be preparation stages up until the day of the surgery. Sometimes the surgery is exploratory or even an emergency but nonetheless it is a serious situation.

An entire team of people along with an entire hospital is supporting you with anything you need from start to finish you are cared for until discharge. You will need follow up care. Your family and friends will support you and assist you with your recovery. Your job may give you time off with pay. You recuperate and slowly get back into the swing of things. You will probably receive cards, flowers, and gifts also many get well wishes. You will have a scar and a memory of the pain but for the most part, you heal and go on with your life.

Now look at the same scenarios but insert your mind.

Happy Birthday Nesie

make a choice to believe in yourself

give in to the belief that you are unique

with talents and gifts all your own

no one can do it like you

no one but you can make your dream come true

whatever mistakes we make are only a tool

to purge and cut to help make us rule

better we learn from them and move on

don’t wallow in self-pity and doubt

use your errors as a spring board to break out

bounce back to the positive

give in to the belief that you are someone special

grab it, take hold of it and don’t let it go

speak it chant it pray it

say it until you’ve convinced your own soul

you are somebody for the world to behold

I love you Nesie

Every day (because of my past) I fight the thoughts and feelings of rejection, abandonment and abuse.  Every day gets easier. I am learning how to capture those ugly thoughts and replace them with loving thoughts about why I love me.
It use to have me waking to tears and feeling like what is the point if nobody cares?
Now I wake with a smile that I survived.  Every day I learn a new way to love me.  Every day I am grateful just to be alive.  I can feel love now and I will never give up on loving me.  I now love and embrace “Nesie”  I love me.

Under the Cover of Love

You don’t see my agony.

I try and hide it away.

But, what I really need are

hands on my body.

They say don’t feel sorry for yourself.

Well, that does not put the pain away on a shelf.

It keeps coming and coming and I can’t get away

to make it stay, gone.

When I am home alone,

no one here to wipe my tears

and every joint in my body

feels like it has reached its breaking.

What point is it to keep the tears inside?

Although, I want to hide

away in darkness so no one will see

the side effects this shit has on me:

grouchy, mouthy, tired and lacking luster.

My lusciousness stolen by fibromyalgia.

I know pain, and pain knows me well.

I am tying not to make my life a living hell

by complaining and begging for help.

But dam it; I need somebody to put their hands on me

I am not one that can live without the touch of a lover.

Under the cover of my lovers’ touch my pain can’t harm me.

It now becomes sweet relief, just a kiss away.

After our energy exchange, all pain has faded.

I know it is chemistry

but I still want that hold

that touches and rubs under my clothes.

Crying releases endorphins

but they say don’t be a cry baby.

Don’t co-host a party with pity.

Shit the partied already started

without my permission.

I tell you I am on a mission

to find that lover that won’t get tired

of putting her hands on me.

I try to be strong and smile with grace,

telling everybody I am okay,

but as soon as their gone

tears replace smiles,

fears invade joy,

sorrow,

pity,

come rushing through the door

looking for more of my goodness to squander.

It might make me wallow.

It might make me sigh.

It might make me wish I could die.

But, after tears something magical happens.

I feel like maybe, I can beat this,

and whether I have a lover or not

this is still my lot.

I chose to cry about it and move myself out of the way,

because I know it will pass and I will remember these days.

I will tell about them to my lover.

She will hug me under the cover of love.

Ugh I wish she would hurry up

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

4.25.12

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Abandonment

I had a demon riding my back and its name is abandonment.

It has tried to stop every accomplishment,

but what it didn’t realize was, this journey

I am on is divine.

All of this time.

All of the trials

are what make me.

I looked it in the eyes and saw just what the test meant.

I am never alone.

I always have at my disposal

the energy needed to overcome.

All the stepping stones thrown across my path

are crushed with optimism,

and used to create a mozayik poem

 

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

4.15.12

On Purpose

I am doing the last editing of my book and the feelings that are coming up this time are intense.  I want to feel so I can grow but the overwhelming sense of abandonment is making me want to not feel anything.  This is why it has taken so long to finish.

Reliving the events that have been the inspiration for this book is excruciatingly painful.  I have made an appointment to see a therapist because I am going to need some help with this part.  At least I know there is resolution if I move through these feelings I will have gained better insight into why I keep repeating the same patterns.

Applied knowledge is power.  They say awareness is half the battle.  I am determined to stay on purpose.  Hopefully I can finish this time and move on to more pleasing endeavors.

So, I will leave you with an excerpt from the book that will explain some of the emotions I am dealing with.

excerpt from “Life in Poetry”

looking and searching for something

that was supposed to be my birthright

why am I called out to endure such a trial

how is it that people overlooked the fact

that I was a child

now as an adult

what can I do to undo what has been done to me

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

.

HYPOGLYCEMIC LOVE JONES

Dizzy from your rejection
needing an injection
of your sugar

I’m having a sweetness withdrawal
weak from the need to have your
honey all over me

Confused and unable to think clearly
wanting you to be near me

Lethargic and walking around dazed
calling out your name
in the midnight
needing a taste of your sugar cane

The only thing to bring me out
of this faze
is multiple injections
of your thrilling stimulation

Baby I got a Jones for you
somewhat of an addiction

I need it , I need it
dam it , I need you