Author: Mozayik "the souls' poet"

The true story told in poetry. I am a Real and Raw Poet and Author of ”The Souls’ Poetry” my soul's true story of its’ journey to healing from the pain of childhood sexual trauma. I blog about my three-year commitment to therapy and what life is like before and after healing. Decreasing the stigma of mental illness, inspiring women to tell their stories, and leading women To and Through Therapy is my mission.

I love you Nesie

Every day (because of my past) I fight the thoughts and feelings of rejection, abandonment and abuse.  Every day gets easier. I am learning how to capture those ugly thoughts and replace them with loving thoughts about why I love me.
It use to have me waking to tears and feeling like what is the point if nobody cares?
Now I wake with a smile that I survived.  Every day I learn a new way to love me.  Every day I am grateful just to be alive.  I can feel love now and I will never give up on loving me.  I now love and embrace “Nesie”  I love me.

I wont abandon me. (ptsd)

If y’all remember, I had to stop editing my book because of the memories and flash backs I encountered.  It was very puzzling to me that this was happening to me now.  I have worked on this book in some form for the last 12 years. So I wondered, why now?

I immediately found a therapist to help me cope and process the feelings that seemed so over whelming.

Along with the flashbacks and memories came intense emotions.  I would resist the feelings.  I would find distractions so I did not have to experience this stuff.  I had some events happen in my life that triggered my mind and body to relive one of the most traumatic experiences that happened when I was five.  I had not dealt with this in therapy because I had forgiven the people involved.

I learned I still have to process the emotions that are buried in my psyche.  Now is the time my body and mind have chosen to deal with this at this time in my life the only thing I have focus on is myself.  No more hiding behind children and spouses I am ready to create and reveal the life I deserve.

I am at a place where I can move forward to complete this book.  I am still in therapy dealing with my abandonment issues and working diligently to find  peace with the memories.  I am going to start a new page as I go through the process of dealing with these issues and how they have showed up in my behavior and my relationships.

I am striving towards healing to allow me to have more healthy relationships.  It is not something that can be dealt with quickly because i have learned that the mind will bring these memories and flashbacks to surface when i am ready to deal with them.  As i have learned the hard way, if i don’t deal with the feelings they will deal with me.

As i continue on my journey to healing and mental health and stability hopefully someone will be encouraged to start their own healing.

I promise the little girl in my that I will not abandon her and will stay with her for as long as it takes to learn how to live with PTSD.

Thank you for going on this journey of my soul with me.

 

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We know

there is a fire you left raging

you knew

only you could put it out

i knew

the day i lay eyes on you

i knew

i would never let you go

it seems as though we have come to a fork

and i did not even get to drink from the bitter cup

 

passionate fire burning out of control

still

we have this connection with our souls

i know

you are feeling me right now

as i write this

asking the words

to tell me how to leave

the thought of you

in my dreams

where you come to me

loving all of me

giving me

you

dreaming of staying

together

and that is where it stays

 

we know

it is not our time

we are not ready to weather

whether

we like it or not

our time is not

we know

that is why i did us a favor

the madness had to stop

we were both becoming

what we are not

 

looking in the mirror

you showed, me

what i see

is not what i want

to be

i gift myself relief

from the agony

of the fear of being alone

 

i regret nothing and am grateful for all

memories now stored in

the poems that tell the story

how we had a once in lifetime

when our souls were flying

so i wont be crying

when thinking of you

i will smile

cause you will always be my prince

my lover

my boo 😉

the only one i surrendered to

 

completely, free

peace

is what you gave me

so while sweetness is still the taste

when i think of you

while strawberries now have more charm

i can still close my eyes and imagine

me lying in your arms

 

i wish you beauty, babee

i will love you till my soul goes home

but i am sure i will feel you again

we have always

we will always

find our way back to each other

you will always be “my” lover

the only one i surrender to under the covers

 

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Under the Cover of Love

You don’t see my agony.

I try and hide it away.

But, what I really need are

hands on my body.

They say don’t feel sorry for yourself.

Well, that does not put the pain away on a shelf.

It keeps coming and coming and I can’t get away

to make it stay, gone.

When I am home alone,

no one here to wipe my tears

and every joint in my body

feels like it has reached its breaking.

What point is it to keep the tears inside?

Although, I want to hide

away in darkness so no one will see

the side effects this shit has on me:

grouchy, mouthy, tired and lacking luster.

My lusciousness stolen by fibromyalgia.

I know pain, and pain knows me well.

I am tying not to make my life a living hell

by complaining and begging for help.

But dam it; I need somebody to put their hands on me

I am not one that can live without the touch of a lover.

Under the cover of my lovers’ touch my pain can’t harm me.

It now becomes sweet relief, just a kiss away.

After our energy exchange, all pain has faded.

I know it is chemistry

but I still want that hold

that touches and rubs under my clothes.

Crying releases endorphins

but they say don’t be a cry baby.

Don’t co-host a party with pity.

Shit the partied already started

without my permission.

I tell you I am on a mission

to find that lover that won’t get tired

of putting her hands on me.

I try to be strong and smile with grace,

telling everybody I am okay,

but as soon as their gone

tears replace smiles,

fears invade joy,

sorrow,

pity,

come rushing through the door

looking for more of my goodness to squander.

It might make me wallow.

It might make me sigh.

It might make me wish I could die.

But, after tears something magical happens.

I feel like maybe, I can beat this,

and whether I have a lover or not

this is still my lot.

I chose to cry about it and move myself out of the way,

because I know it will pass and I will remember these days.

I will tell about them to my lover.

She will hug me under the cover of love.

Ugh I wish she would hurry up

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

4.25.12

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Abandonment

I had a demon riding my back and its name is abandonment.

It has tried to stop every accomplishment,

but what it didn’t realize was, this journey

I am on is divine.

All of this time.

All of the trials

are what make me.

I looked it in the eyes and saw just what the test meant.

I am never alone.

I always have at my disposal

the energy needed to overcome.

All the stepping stones thrown across my path

are crushed with optimism,

and used to create a mozayik poem

 

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

4.15.12

On Purpose

I am doing the last editing of my book and the feelings that are coming up this time are intense.  I want to feel so I can grow but the overwhelming sense of abandonment is making me want to not feel anything.  This is why it has taken so long to finish.

Reliving the events that have been the inspiration for this book is excruciatingly painful.  I have made an appointment to see a therapist because I am going to need some help with this part.  At least I know there is resolution if I move through these feelings I will have gained better insight into why I keep repeating the same patterns.

Applied knowledge is power.  They say awareness is half the battle.  I am determined to stay on purpose.  Hopefully I can finish this time and move on to more pleasing endeavors.

So, I will leave you with an excerpt from the book that will explain some of the emotions I am dealing with.

excerpt from “Life in Poetry”

looking and searching for something

that was supposed to be my birthright

why am I called out to endure such a trial

how is it that people overlooked the fact

that I was a child

now as an adult

what can I do to undo what has been done to me

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

.

HYPOGLYCEMIC LOVE JONES

Dizzy from your rejection
needing an injection
of your sugar

I’m having a sweetness withdrawal
weak from the need to have your
honey all over me

Confused and unable to think clearly
wanting you to be near me

Lethargic and walking around dazed
calling out your name
in the midnight
needing a taste of your sugar cane

The only thing to bring me out
of this faze
is multiple injections
of your thrilling stimulation

Baby I got a Jones for you
somewhat of an addiction

I need it , I need it
dam it , I need you

Love letter to myself

i am loving you so much lately

you have overcome so many obstacles

you have had to make some hard choices

you have grieved what was

you are moving forward with new goals

you did not give up i am proud of you

for your tenacity

you are a strong warrior

you know sometimes the soldier needs help

just because you took another route does not make you a failure

it says you are courageous

enough to move toward the unknown

you had enough faith in god

and belief that your efforts would be rewarded

you are amazing

when i think of how you have overcame

still to love as you do ………………………..

you are beautiful

Where is my lover?

Give me a lover
that will warm my heart
and my bed.

She doesn’t want to be led,
and a follower she won’t need me to be.

Side by side we will walk,
heart to heart we will talk,
soul to soul making love.

This is the lover I dream of,
she knows when to be strong,
when to be weak,
will even weep with me.

This lover will smile
while looking into my eyes.
She will kiss me gently,
not always reaching for my thighs.
She’ll treasure what is inside my mind,
not how I look, she will remember
just what it took to get me,
and will always do it to keep me.

This lover knows I’m not looking for a cheap thrill
not looking for her mansion sitting on a hill.
She knows that all I need is her love that’s true
and for my love anything she will do.

She’ll tell me she loves me at least once a day,
fearing that if she doesn’t my desire will fade.
She’ll care about the little things,
like how important a hug can be.

She’ll let me know that she respects me.
She’ll take the time to remind me
just how special I am,
and how much she needs me.

If this is the kind of lover that you are
then right now I’m wishing on a star
to guide you my way.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
Where ever you are!
I love you!

by Mozayik (the souls’ poet)

no fairy tales (my issues)

i wasn’t raised on fairy tales

i never thought the prince was coming

i did not look or wait for him

to march in on his horse

no matter the color

i grew up knowing

i had to save myself

i had no visions

of royal kisses in the moonlight

on a castle’s balcony

i took care of myself

i had no dreams of being taken care of

or fitting like a hand and glove

i saw the men come

i saw the men go

no words or show

just go

they were here today and gone tomorrow

leaving behind sorrow

tears and shame

but they were never blamed

it was up to the women

to carry on

make everything work

smiling instead of cussing

laughing to keep from crying

all the while dying for some love