Author: Mozayik "the souls' poet"

The true story told in poetry. I am a Real and Raw Poet and Author of ”The Souls’ Poetry” my soul's true story of its’ journey to healing from the pain of childhood sexual trauma. I blog about my three-year commitment to therapy and what life is like before and after healing. Decreasing the stigma of mental illness, inspiring women to tell their stories, and leading women To and Through Therapy is my mission.

The Souls’ Poetry Mission

The Souls’ Poetry’s mission is to help women with PTSD who are victims of Domestic violence heal through journal writing or poetry writing. My mission is to lead women to make a commitment to complete therapy.

The Souls’ Poetry is a business that will help facilitate healing through journal writing, poetry, and sharing of knowledge and resources.  As an experienced peer support person the owner will be able to help women in crisis minimize the impact of challenges such as PTSD.   Our web site will also offer links to resources in the community and offer a place for women with similar experiences to support one another.

no fairy tales

black-woman-silhouette

i wasn’t raised on fairy tales

i never thought the prince was coming

i did not look or wait for him to march in on his horse

no matter the color

i grew up knowing i had to save myself

i had no visions of royal kisses in the moonlight

on a castle’s balcony

i took care of myself

i had no dreams of being taken care of

or fitting like a hand and glove

i saw the men come

i saw the men go

no words or show

just go

they were here today and gone tomorrow

leaving behind sorrow

tears and shame

but they were never blamed

it was up to the women to carry on

make everything work

smiling instead of cussing

laughing to keep from crying

all the while dying for some love

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Dont take care of me. I got this.

It has been an interesting 2017.  The last few months have proven to be evidence of my change.  Being whole allows me to not need completion from another person.  Wholeness speaks to knowing that everything I need I can provide for myself.  Seeking to be rescued is the past.

When I hear those famous words that always pulled me in,  “I want to take care of you.”  I run in the opposite direction.  That is co dependency calling my name.  I am not about that life anymore.  The compelling desire to fix other people’s life has dissipated. My self worth is not contingent on whether or not you appreciate me.  I appreciate me.

Trusting self begins with trusting God.  Life is good.  I am taking my time and paying attention. Self Love demands that I be patient and not cast my pearls to the lowest bidder. I am enough for me.  I am finally free.

 

111th post (the demons are dead)

 

Anybody that knows even the very basic about me knows that 11 is my number. I actually started seeing 11’s everywhere in 2011.  On any clock anywhere I would see 1111 or 111 a.m and p.m. I would see it  on the most random items like what time someone called me or how  long the message was they left on voice mail.  It got to the point it spooked me and I did my due diligence research.  I found out so many interesting facts about the number 11.  According to Numerology I am an 11.

I said all that to say how cool is that?  I sat down to create a new post and happen to notice that this is my 111th post.

I take this as a tap on the shoulder from the Universe that I am on the right path.  I see it as God smiling on me.  I feel connected to the all.  The energetic power to create your version of happiness.  The energy in our soul placed there and filled with desire by God.  Bliss is finding your purpose and fulfilling it.  There is a huge reward for killing your demons in therapy.

My soul chose this path to heal itself.  With that being my belief there is no room for regret.  I follow the urging of my soul.  Some call it intuition or “a gut feeling” or maybe even God speaking.  We cant really explain it but it usually serves our highest good if we follow.

So on today as I reflect on all this blog has allowed me to accomplish it get chills as I realize just how far I have come and that my readers and followers have taken this journey to healing with me.

When I started this blog I could not finish my book because the poetry was so triggering and would cause a decline in my mental health that usually landed me in the hospital.  I look through the archives and see that the journey was long and hard but my perseverance, resilience and passionate commitment to heal lead me through.

Now I am able to share my story without the tears, heartache, triggers and flashbacks.  This is what healing looks like.  I am a success story so that other women can see that if I can do it they can too.  The same God that blessed me and carried me through the worst will do the same for them also.

There were days when the grief was all consuming and it seemed it would never end.  Anger was the river of blood I swam in because it was unfair that the victim had to fix herself.  But as I remember how horrific remembering is I remember how the emotions were devastating because it is reliving it again and sometimes over and over until the feelings don’t dont have the same meaning.  Healing is painful and it takes a lot of courage but the other side is so worth it.

To be able to help other women and men be inspired enough to do the work necessary to be free is my life’s purpose.  I say work because I don’t want to sugar coat it.  It fucking sucks that you have to undo what has been done unto to you.

But when I look at it from a holistic spiritual perspective and believe that there really is a purpose for all of this pain.  There is sunshine after the rain.

Mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Holding on to Happy

Since this post I have learned that this people pleasing behavior is called co-dependency. Girl, get some help so we can stop the bleeding and start the healing process for generations to come.

Mozayik "the souls' poet"'s avatarThe Souls' Poet

Before Therapy I would go into a severe depression when I felt that I had disappointed someone.  Some selfish person would try and guilt trip me into seeing things their way for what ever reason.  I would not speak up. I would dwell on the experience.  I felt bad because they told me I should feel bad.

I would fill my mind with negative thoughts and spiral into a deep depression.  The guilt tripper would not even know the amount of damage or the effect of my self inflicted abuse.  I just could not cope with knowing someone was not pleased with me and go out of my way to either avoid that person or find a way to mend the energy between us.

After therapy I realize the best way to cope is to do what is right for me.  I can deal with the disappointment of others about…

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Thrive Free

Now I am happy,

living in the now happy,

thriving freely,

conquering every challenge set before me,

I slay every dragon’s ugly head,

I stand so tall,

every obstacle falls to it’s knees,

flees in the face of this destiny,

all my energy says,

get out of my way,

no longer a slave,

shackled to the past,

I am free,

thriving,

happily,

mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Before and After Therapy 

Practice makes perfect is a true statement or at the very least practice makes better. Before therapy most of my thoughts were negative. I beat up on myself thinking things like “What is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing the same stupid shit over and over again?”, “What is the point? I might as well just end it, nobody cares anyway. ” Then I would slide down the slippery slope of depression. I knew if I did not ask for help I would commit suicide. This always ended with a hospital stay of at least 3 days or 72 hours. The skills needed to climb out of the pits of hellish depression were not yet in my possession.

Now, though,  I have an arsenal of tools to prevent the stumble and fall. I stumble but it doesn’t mean the same. Learning and honing coping skills is the super power of therapy.  I stay elevated mentally with out any medication. Stability has been obtained due to  the hard work done for the sake of healing. I had to face the fear that I would lose my mind if I allowed the trapped emotions to rise in an effort to be released.

Not being able to bear constant pain any longer convinced me to commit to the try. Life or death urgency was the strength of this try.  My grandmother always said, “Nothing beats a failure but a try.”  Pain was the biggest motivator forcing me to address it or die.

Losing my mind was the benefit of letting go. I reprogrammed, rewired, and regenerated pathways in my brain.  The default now is happy.

After therapy and years of determination to practice what was learned in therapy, it is rare to have a negative thought about myself.  Replacing it with the truth comes easy.  Because I believe these truths:  I am amazing. I am strong. I am fearless. God is with me. No matter what happens it will be alright. Before therapy I couldn’t even trust my own mind.

After therapy I have no doubt in my ability to make sure I have what I need. God has smiled on me so many times that my faith and trust are unshakable.

A letter to survivors

If you had told me that I would I be living this free two years ago, I would not have believed you. Two years ago, events happened that triggered my healing. I have post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD is a result of surviving childhood sexual abuse, abandonment, neglect, and rape before the age of five. Five is the age of the first rape memory at the hands of my mothers’ boyfriend.

Writing saved my life. Words were my saviors. This is why I am compelled to tell my story. I do not tell it to gain pity or fame. I tell it because I was born to tell it. So I tell. Everywhere I go I tell.

I want to tell my story of PTSD because most of us do not know what that looks like on an African American girl or woman. The number is many but until…

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