Trusting Self First

I have learned to trust myself. This is huge for someone that has experienced trauma especially as a child under the age of six. These children have been programed to believe that not one person cares enough to protect or save them. It takes a lot of therapy and rewiring the brain to have happy positive thoughts about yourself and the world around you be the default.

It did get worse before it got better. But the other side of the middle passage of pain is beautiful.

I listened to Brene Brown’s “The Anatomy of Trust” and it confirmed for me that I am healed enough to be true to my intuition, gut feeling or voice of God. Whatever you call knowing what is right for you, I trust that more than I trust people. As long as I stay in the will of God I trust everything will be alright.

“Triggers” of PTSD

I must move forward.  Staying stuck in the past has not served me well.  It is a hard reality that all of your life you have been telling yourself lies about YOU.  I am doing CBT Cognitive Behavior Therapy and have learned that 90% of the negative shit I have been telling myself is absolutely not true.  My mind has been playing tricks on me but I have served it notice that we are doing some renovation.

It is grueling to monitor your thoughts after the fact.  Gleaning through every nook and cranny looking for a “trigger”.  It is like recreating an accident and walking through the steps to find out the point of impact.  The wreckage that has to be disposed of is my life and all the things I told myself I was not worthy enough to have.

I have choices.  I can continue as I always have and keep telling myself the same ole lies and getting the same result.  I can basically go insane, or I can love me enough to heal.  Even if healing means letting people go because allowing their presence in my life is actually self-abuse.  Even if it means I walk alone because others want to stay in darkness.  Sometimes in order to be whole we have to remove the diseased member.  I have realized that their presence in my life is why I have not healed.  I have been putting band-aids on an open wound.  And if the wound would heal in the least, I would reopen it with dysfunctional interactions with unhealthy people that have no intention of changing.

I know they will say I am being selfish and I am all about self-preservation only.  I let that guilt trip work for too many years.  If I do not preserve self, I will self-destruct.  I have no more energy for people that want to stay in denial.  I have no choice but to let them go.  I have to give up on the unrealistic dream of the big happy family.

I know what I need and it is time to stop pleading with those around me to understand or empathize.  Or even give me permission or support.  I know I am rambling.  This therapy stuff is rocking my world and shaking me to my core.  They say it will get better and there is a light at the end of the tunnel so I hold on to that hope.

I want to say to people that have the audacity to say “just get over it” that if you only knew how badly I want to be over it you would weep for me.  PTSD is an insidious and horrific condition.  I am grateful for the knowledge and awareness I have about my condition, but I think about people (especially women) that are misdiagnosed or even unaware of why they act like they do.  I am starting to think that maybe part of my purpose in all of this is to be an advocate or educator.

To be honest with y’all I do not want to be the poster child for this or any of the other conditions I deal with on a daily, and sometimes moment-by-moment basis.  I just want PEACE in my MIND.  Ignorance is not bliss it is death.  TOO MANY PEOPLE DIE through either suicide or homicide.  Or, they die spiritually and just exist, going through the motions.  Others numb out with sex, drugs, food, or gambling.  It really does take courage to face your demons.

I would not be me if I did not think about others that suffer because our society does not understand all people really need is LOVE.  It is tragic that we have been conditioned to believe that serving others is a weakness.

Understanding of self leads to acceptance, which leads to compassion for others.  Thanks to whomever read my ramblings.  #iwasjustthinking