“Not Guilty”

The guilty seek punishment.  I have chosen to stop beating up on myself and declare myself not guilty.  Being guilty suggests that I have done something wrong.  I realize that I have done nothing wrong.  My intentions when making the decisions that haunt me were pure.

I would be guilty if I’d made deliberate decisions with malice or ill will.  Guilt says that I intentionally did harm and expected a bad result.  Innocence suggests that the decision was made expecting a good outcome.

At the time that is what was best.  Of course after years of experience I now have a 20/20 hindsight view.  I dealt with life based on the knowledge and experience I had up till that moment.

So it is okay to let myself off the hook.  I can forgive myself.

I can accept that I deserve love.

I am worthy of all things good.

I am much more than the sum of my choices.

When we know better we do better.

Forgiving myself opens the door to my ability to forgive others.  It has been said

“In all your getting, get understanding”. Even when I don’t understand I trust the process.  Love covers a multitude of sins.

I forgive me

Love is an inexhaustible stream

given at birth for me to give away

the only power I have

the only thing I could ever control

is my choice to love

I don’t have to chase it

or look for it I am it

so I decide to love

right now this second

giving you my love

makes my love overflow

the only reason to be alive is to love

any other reason and you are just biding time

I was thinking about what motivated me to quit smoking.  I was not walking my talk.  Now that I know what self-love really looks like I am finding it easy to make changes in my life that prove how much i love myself.

Since my earlier post where I talked about not yet having forgiven the man who raped me at five,  I have done a lot of thinking about forgiveness.

I forgave the little girl in me for being vulnerable.  I forgave her all the things she thought she had done wrong because she really had done nothing wrong.  It was not her fault and it had nothing to do with her personally.  I forgave her for crying and for loving the wrong people because she did not know how to protect herself.  I told her how strong she is and how brave she has been.  I told her how proud i am of her for all of her accomplishments  because she had a lot to overcome.

I forgave her and told her that I loved her and would always be here to protect her.

After that forgiving my perpetrator was easy.  That is the gift of self-love I give to myself.

Agony

my groans are unutterable

the pain is too deep

the cries have no sound

and yet I weep

the soul is bound

with love nowhere found

not one person to connect with

“I am bound”

not one person to understand

that my suffering is my own

conceived by a wicked plan

if you say you love me

why can’t I feel it

why is your touch non-existent

am I alone in this great big world

will there be healing for this little girl

How are you supposed to feel about yourself when  accused of trying to kill your little brother at the age of three or four.  You know the truth although you are only three years old.  You know that your mother is lying to cover her own ass.  She knows damn well she left a three-year old and a two-year old in the apartment by themselves.  This is my very first memory of childhood.

Again, please let me say that I do not want pity.  I truly believe my soul chose the circumstances of my life.  All of these traumas were mine to experience to get the lessons I needed to evolve.  But, that does not mean I did not feel, or endure the effects of the traumas.  I am telling my story because I feel compelled to do so.  Maybe it is just for me to finally purge this crap.  Or, it might be someone needs to know they can make it and see that it does get better with time and hard work.

Yeah, it sucks that you have to fix your self.  I know there are people who have experienced things more horrific  but if my soul chose this, then it is safe to say that this is all I could handle.  We all walk our own path.

I would hear “yo mama did not want you, if it were not for me aint no telling where your little high yellow ass would be”  This may have been true but the delivery of the message was brutal.  I grew up feeling like I owed everybody something.  I felt I did not deserve love.  Come on, if I were worthy my mother would not have left me, right.  I could not see that them taking me in and protecting me was Love. My grandmother was correct, if she and my auntie and great-grandmother had not took me in only God knows………….

Fear was my everything.  It helped me survive when I was a child but as an adult it stopped me from having healthy relationships.  Through therapy I have learned to not take my mother’s neglect (leaving me in apartment alone for at least 2 days) personally.  I was caught up in her drama or sickness and it had nothing to do with me except this was what my soul chose.  She would have been what she was even if I had never been born.  Knowing that has freed me so much that words can not explain.  It wasn’t my fault.

I still had to heal from the side effects of her does not remove the effects of her boyfriend raping me when I was five years old.  I have abandonment issues, trust issues and fear was a part of my   Anger was my armor.  It kept people away from me so they could not hurt me.  Anger made me powerful and in control but nothing could be further from the truth.  It was controlling me because my anger was always inappropriate to the situation.

I really would not trade anything for my journey.  Everything is Everything and it all has a purpose.  It took me a while to get here but all that matters is I am here.  Love

p.s.

My brother survived only to die at the age 36 from the effects of alcoholism and drug addiction.  I don’t believe he ever healed from the abuse and neglect.