Dying for Love

In the pursuit of love

little girls take candy from strangers

women throw away their dreams

while scheming on how to get

whatever is missing in themselves

men give up trying

start drowning in the alcohol well

we are all dying

trying to find love

My second ex-husband told me I was a fool for trying to make him love me.  He was more right than he knows and that I wanted to admit.  I literally gave my life for him.  I had my tubes tied when I was 18 because I knew 3 was enough at 18 years old.  I told the doctor  that I refuse to sign the surgery authorization unless he would included the tubal ligation.  I was pregnant with twins from my first husband.  Well the doctor cut off the fimbriae of my fallopian tubes essentially making it impossible to reverse the procedure.

Years later when I wanted to (give) my second husband children we did in vitro fertilization which consisted of daily intramuscular injections, two minor and one major surgery, along with 4 months of complete bed rest   with 8 weeks spent in the hospital.  I delivered triplets that were born healthy.  I thought this man deserved children so I made it my mission to give him some.  After the children were born he treated me like sh*t on the bottom of his shoe that he would go to any lengths to remove.  He let me know that when they were 18 he was leaving me.

I asked him how he could treat me that way after all I had (given) him.  After all I had sacrificed for him he should love me and be appreciative.  His response was “if that is what you did it for then you are a damn fool”

I spent years looking for the love that God had given me the day I was born.  All I needed to do was breath.  I gave away so much of myself  trying to get someone, anyone to love me.  The bible says to love your neighbor as you love yourself.  So many of us get it backward.  We try to love others first.  We put everyone before our selves.  When all God wants us to do is learn to love ourselves first.

When I finally got the real message I started down the long courageous road to recovery.  Thru therapy and a lot of soul searching I am healing and learning how to love others as I love me.  That means learning how to say no.  That means putting myself first.