Holding on to Happy

Before Therapy I would go into a severe depression when I felt that I had disappointed someone.  Some selfish person would try and guilt trip me into seeing things their way for what ever reason.  I would not speak up. I would dwell on the experience.  I felt bad because they told me I should feel bad.

I would fill my mind with negative thoughts and spiral into a deep depression.  The guilt tripper would not even know the amount of damage or the effect of my self inflicted abuse.  I just could not cope with knowing someone was not pleased with me and go out of my way to either avoid that person or find a way to mend the energy between us.

After therapy I realize the best way to cope is to do what is right for me.  I can deal with the disappointment of others about me not doing what they see as best.  I can allow that to be their truth.

I am okay with me and I am enough.  I am brave and courageous.  My faith in God keeps me strong and resilient.

Not my blood

No apologies for living my life on my own terms.

Girl Get You Some Help

Every one  wants something from me
they’ve taken my heart and my soul
control of mind I gave
now they want my blood
weren’t my tears enough

are not my scars the badge of honor they wear
never did they care about me
they take, they took

and continue to take
but they call me the crook
memories of horror
disgusting memories
embed in my sinew
are the etchings of abuse,
misuse, rejection, oppression
and now they want blood

I gave my dignity and
my body offered in sacrifice for their love
and they still want my blood
does anybody ever look outside of themselves
into the eyes of hurting souls

I gave years of dedication and devotion
went through poverty, lack and want
put up a front in front of my peers

bent over backward and kissed my own ass
trying to make the charade last

all I got…

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