Everyday I fight

This positive attitude is sometimes the result of an excruciating battle with P.T.S.D and Fibromyalgia.  I worked hard in therapy learning new coping skills like tapping and visualization.  Breathing awareness is essential but also grounding myself in the here and now is my goal after something triggers me.

Sometimes I am aware of it and sometimes it just hits me like a ton of bricks catching me off guard. On guard is the natural state for someone with P.T.S.D. I may see it coming and can prepare myself and map out a plan by choosing tools to use beforehand.

I pray. I use deep breathing and create mantras to repeat in my head to keep me grounded.  After the triggering event I may or may not have to decompress the emotions that may still exist in my body. The point I am making is “IT IS WORK” it is a daily fight.

Because of therapy I can cope with the effects of being a survivor of rape at the age of five.  Effects like, always being aware of my surroundings, having to bring myself back to the here and now and the sleepless nights because your brain is wired to stay awake and alert all night to stay safe for the last 45 years. I know it will take years to undo not only psychological effects but also the physiological effects as well.

It is a fight everyday of self-examination and reflection to identify and rectify where this shit shows up. It is getting better and somewhat easier but I haven’t got there yet. Now, after therapy I am closer to having the past be just a memory with little feeling or emotion attached to it. It is not ever like none of it happened.   In my soul I am really grateful for all of my experiences.  I am always hopeful that my sharing helps.

It is kind of like a broken arm. Surgery may be required to repair it and will result in a scar as a reminder that it happened. It may hurt like hell for months and then after healing it may develop arthritis in that area of your arm and every time the weather changes you are reminded of the event that caused the broken arm.

So, yeah I am healed but healing does not remove the scar. Healing means although the scar is there the pain is not as intense.  Like the arm I know when to protect myself from the elements that may cause a set back. Awareness  that I may still be a little fragile will go a long way.

I believe I have fibromyalgia because of what happened to me as a child.  I will explain my theory in another post. I have dealt with depression all of my life and P.T.S.D had left a legacy of pain in my life until I committed to healing. It has also led me to my Purpose.

Every day I deal with all of these conditions that feed on each other.

Mornings and evenings are the worst.  I wake with physical pain every morning.  Each morning is different when it comes to my pain level.

It takes me at the minimum 2 hours to get myself to a place where the pain is not forcing me back to bed.  That can include taking pain pills, muscle relaxers and fixing breakfast with hands hurting so badly that opening a drawer, cutting my eggs, or washing a skillet may leave me in tears or at the least holding back the “ouches” that want to escape my soul.  Every day I fight to overcome this and get something accomplished (this day).

It is a vicious cycle that is never-ending.  I can’t sleep because P.T.S.D and some event may have triggered me. The healing part is that I am aware. I know what to do to get back to a place of peace, but, IT TAKES WORK.  It is not effortless.  I imagine one day it will be but today is not that day.

I am a conqueror because I overcome many times throughout the day.  That is why I strive for happiness moment to moment.  It might appear that I am in La La land. I am just living in the moment.

So, no sleep from P.T.S.D will mean when I do wake up after taking something to force the hand of sleep, I have more pain which can lead to depression if I don’t fight.  Some days all I want to do is lay back down and go to sleep but I know that comes with a price so I have to push past pain.

Every day the task is to assess how much energy is available and decide where it will be spent.

I am no longer just a survivor.  I am a conqueror. A victim says “why me?” a survivor say “whew, I made it out”, a Conqueror says “God use me to help make other lives better.”

We all have choices and we all have our tailored made cross to balance the mountains and valleys that will prepare us for our Purpose.

3 thoughts on “Everyday I fight

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