Is Pain really Fear leaving your body?


  • fear

    you have no power over me.

    you’ve held me captive much too long

    you were my master and i your slave

    you even tried to take me to my grave

    the scales have fallen off my eyes

    perfect love found me

    now i know you are just a wanna be

    in the presence of love you flee

    i have power over you

    love has destroyed every yoke

    victory is mine i am free

    i have power over fear


  • My first reaction was to say there is no way I am that damn afraid. But when I think about all that I have accomplished since I decided to not let pain win I have to stop and see if there might be some truth in that.
    I realized I was going to hurt whether I lay in bed, cry and continue on with the vicious cycle of depression because I have pain 24/7 or I could get out of bed and keep moving.
    People around me try to get me to be still and say I am doing too much, but they don’t understand that when I be still I am focused on the pain but movement allows me to transcend the pain. It never goes away. I just have days that are better than others.

    There may be some truth to pain is fear leaving. All of 2012 I have been in therapy dealing with the fear of PAIN. I was living with the fear of psychological and physical pain. My quality of life was affected because I feared doing anything that would result in me being in unbearable pain.

    I was afraid to allow the memories and flashbacks to surface because I thought I could not endure the overwhelming feelings of shame and heartbreak. Along with the memories my body would hurt in direct proportion to area of my body that was being harmed in my memory. I actually felt a release of painful energy. I felt lighter more free, less afraid.

    I know beyond a shadow of doubt that one of the biggest reasons I have Fibromyalgia is because my flight or fight response is stuck to ON. That means I have been living in a state of tension/terror all my life and this has caused me to tense all my muscles and now I am telling my muscles to relax and that is not my natural state. I do not know how to relax. Therein lies my problem. Even my brain has been wired abnormally but that is being changed every time I get out of bed and “Keep it Moving”


“Triggers” of PTSD

I must move forward.  Staying stuck in the past has not served me well.  It is a hard reality that all of your life you have been telling yourself lies about YOU.  I am doing CBT Cognitive Behavior Therapy and have learned that 90% of the negative shit I have been telling myself is absolutely not true.  My mind has been playing tricks on me but I have served it notice that we are doing some renovation.

It is grueling to monitor your thoughts after the fact.  Gleaning through every nook and cranny looking for a “trigger”.  It is like recreating an accident and walking through the steps to find out the point of impact.  The wreckage that has to be disposed of is my life and all the things I told myself I was not worthy enough to have.

I have choices.  I can continue as I always have and keep telling myself the same ole lies and getting the same result.  I can basically go insane, or I can love me enough to heal.  Even if healing means letting people go because allowing their presence in my life is actually self-abuse.  Even if it means I walk alone because others want to stay in darkness.  Sometimes in order to be whole we have to remove the diseased member.  I have realized that their presence in my life is why I have not healed.  I have been putting band-aids on an open wound.  And if the wound would heal in the least, I would reopen it with dysfunctional interactions with unhealthy people that have no intention of changing.

I know they will say I am being selfish and I am all about self-preservation only.  I let that guilt trip work for too many years.  If I do not preserve self, I will self-destruct.  I have no more energy for people that want to stay in denial.  I have no choice but to let them go.  I have to give up on the unrealistic dream of the big happy family.

I know what I need and it is time to stop pleading with those around me to understand or empathize.  Or even give me permission or support.  I know I am rambling.  This therapy stuff is rocking my world and shaking me to my core.  They say it will get better and there is a light at the end of the tunnel so I hold on to that hope.

I want to say to people that have the audacity to say “just get over it” that if you only knew how badly I want to be over it you would weep for me.  PTSD is an insidious and horrific condition.  I am grateful for the knowledge and awareness I have about my condition, but I think about people (especially women) that are misdiagnosed or even unaware of why they act like they do.  I am starting to think that maybe part of my purpose in all of this is to be an advocate or educator.

To be honest with y’all I do not want to be the poster child for this or any of the other conditions I deal with on a daily, and sometimes moment-by-moment basis.  I just want PEACE in my MIND.  Ignorance is not bliss it is death.  TOO MANY PEOPLE DIE through either suicide or homicide.  Or, they die spiritually and just exist, going through the motions.  Others numb out with sex, drugs, food, or gambling.  It really does take courage to face your demons.

I would not be me if I did not think about others that suffer because our society does not understand all people really need is LOVE.  It is tragic that we have been conditioned to believe that serving others is a weakness.

Understanding of self leads to acceptance, which leads to compassion for others.  Thanks to whomever read my ramblings.  #iwasjustthinking