I wont abandon me. (ptsd)

If y’all remember, I had to stop editing my book because of the memories and flash backs I encountered.  It was very puzzling to me that this was happening to me now.  I have worked on this book in some form for the last 12 years. So I wondered, why now?

I immediately found a therapist to help me cope and process the feelings that seemed so over whelming.

Along with the flashbacks and memories came intense emotions.  I would resist the feelings.  I would find distractions so I did not have to experience this stuff.  I had some events happen in my life that triggered my mind and body to relive one of the most traumatic experiences that happened when I was five.  I had not dealt with this in therapy because I had forgiven the people involved.

I learned I still have to process the emotions that are buried in my psyche.  Now is the time my body and mind have chosen to deal with this at this time in my life the only thing I have focus on is myself.  No more hiding behind children and spouses I am ready to create and reveal the life I deserve.

I am at a place where I can move forward to complete this book.  I am still in therapy dealing with my abandonment issues and working diligently to find  peace with the memories.  I am going to start a new page as I go through the process of dealing with these issues and how they have showed up in my behavior and my relationships.

I am striving towards healing to allow me to have more healthy relationships.  It is not something that can be dealt with quickly because i have learned that the mind will bring these memories and flashbacks to surface when i am ready to deal with them.  As i have learned the hard way, if i don’t deal with the feelings they will deal with me.

As i continue on my journey to healing and mental health and stability hopefully someone will be encouraged to start their own healing.

I promise the little girl in my that I will not abandon her and will stay with her for as long as it takes to learn how to live with PTSD.

Thank you for going on this journey of my soul with me.

 

We know

there is a fire you left raging

you knew

only you could put it out

i knew

the day i lay eyes on you

i knew

i would never let you go

it seems as though we have come to a fork

and i did not even get to drink from the bitter cup

 

passionate fire burning out of control

still

we have this connection with our souls

i know

you are feeling me right now

as i write this

asking the words

to tell me how to leave

the thought of you

in my dreams

where you come to me

loving all of me

giving me

you

dreaming of staying

together

and that is where it stays

 

we know

it is not our time

we are not ready to weather

whether

we like it or not

our time is not

we know

that is why i did us a favor

the madness had to stop

we were both becoming

what we are not

 

looking in the mirror

you showed, me

what i see

is not what i want

to be

i gift myself relief

from the agony

of the fear of being alone

 

i regret nothing and am grateful for all

memories now stored in

the poems that tell the story

how we had a once in lifetime

when our souls were flying

so i wont be crying

when thinking of you

i will smile

cause you will always be my prince

my lover

my boo 😉

the only one i surrendered to

 

completely, free

peace

is what you gave me

so while sweetness is still the taste

when i think of you

while strawberries now have more charm

i can still close my eyes and imagine

me lying in your arms

 

i wish you beauty, babee

i will love you till my soul goes home

but i am sure i will feel you again

we have always

we will always

find our way back to each other

you will always be “my” lover

the only one i surrender to under the covers

 

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”